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-Green Lanterns report that they have ended Blackest Night. Angry former Lanterns transformed into living dead were provided with huge bonuses and buyout packages and sent happily on their way. The Dept of Justice investigated whether the buyout packages had excessive numbers of human hearts. Lanterns may be forced to make organ restitution to Treasury Department.
-Wolverine sues Dark Wolverine for trademark infringement. Also sues for lameness and poor hairstyle choice. Dark Wolverine counter-sues for same.
-Norman Osborn reports that all H.A.M.M.E.R. agents will need to have their battle suits recalled. Osborn states that the battlesuits have a defective part that causes them to shoot civilians. Osborn places the blame with a famous auto manufacturer. He states that he is canceling his contract for pumpkins bombs and bat gliders that he signed with the company.
-A photo of J. Jonah Jameson at a conference revealed crib notes on his hand, with phrases: "Tax cuts," "Lift spirits," and "Get Spider-Man"