Cover to X-Men #30, art by Andy Kubert
In the wake of Valentine's Day, I've been thinking about marriage. And not just how rewarding marriage can be. There's that of course. But there's also the fact that sustaining a marriage is a lot of work. Marriage can be rough. You commit to one individual for the rest of your life. Probably. Well, 50% of you do.
Anyway, there's a lot that goes into marriage. You combine assests, pay the taxes of a married couple and unite yourselves emotionally, physically and economically. But marriage is even more complicated for the superheroic couple. Besides the fact that a superheroic marriage will be tested by unique concerns like alien invasion and the possibilty of having an affair with a demonically possessed spouse, superheroes have unique economic concerns when they are married.
This can be easily seen if a superhero couple contemplates divorce. If they seperate, how will assets be divided? Does one person get to keep the teleporting dog and the other get to keep the mansion on the blue side of the moon? Does the divorced couple get joint custody of the Fantasti-Car? Who gets to keep the Kryptonian crystal Fortress of Solitude?
These are important concerns. Important enough that you would think that a pre-nuptial agreement should be an essential part of any superhero marriage. But you'd be wrong.
That's because very few superhero marriages ever end in divorce. Disintegration yes, divorce no. Think about the average superhero marriage and realize that if you have super powers and a lover, you never need to worry about hiring a lawyer. Think about Happy Hogan and Pepper Potts. Did Pepper need to divorce her hubby to start making out with Tony Stark? Nope. The Spymaster took care of that when he made Happy fall to his death.
Emma Frost, art by Greg Horn
What about Scott Summers and Jean Grey? Did Scott need to go through years of litigation to decide who was going to get the Blackbird jet or deal with alimony payments because of his psychic affair with Emma Frost? Nope, Magneto took care of that for him when he murdered Jean Grey. Now Scott is free to engage in all sorts of debauchery with the White Queen.
So relax heroes. If your marriage is becoming difficult, relax. You won't have to wait long before some villain comes along and kills your annoying spouse. Take your time, start a profile on Match.com and wait for the sweet freedom of superhero singles life. And if your spouse simply refuses to go away, just make a deal with the devil and make her go away. If Spider-Man can do it, so can you.Cover to Amazing Spider-Man #545