Friday, March 5, 2010

Superhero Pre-Nups Completely Unnecessary

Cover to X-Men #30, art by Andy Kubert

In the wake of Valentine's Day, I've been thinking about marriage. And not just how rewarding marriage can be. There's that of course. But there's also the fact that sustaining a marriage is a lot of work. Marriage can be rough. You commit to one individual for the rest of your life. Probably. Well, 50% of you do.

Anyway, there's a lot that goes into marriage. You combine assests, pay the taxes of a married couple and unite yourselves emotionally, physically and economically. But marriage is even more complicated for the superheroic couple. Besides the fact that a superheroic marriage will be tested by unique concerns like alien invasion and the possibilty of having an affair with a demonically possessed spouse, superheroes have unique economic concerns when they are married.

This can be easily seen if a superhero couple contemplates divorce. If they seperate, how will assets be divided? Does one person get to keep the teleporting dog and the other get to keep the mansion on the blue side of the moon? Does the divorced couple get joint custody of the Fantasti-Car? Who gets to keep the Kryptonian crystal Fortress of Solitude?

These are important concerns. Important enough that you would think that a pre-nuptial agreement should be an essential part of any superhero marriage. But you'd be wrong.

That's because very few superhero marriages ever end in divorce. Disintegration yes, divorce no. Think about the average superhero marriage and realize that if you have super powers and a lover, you never need to worry about hiring a lawyer. Think about Happy Hogan and Pepper Potts. Did Pepper need to divorce her hubby to start making out with Tony Stark? Nope. The Spymaster took care of that when he made Happy fall to his death.


Emma Frost, art by Greg Horn

What about Scott Summers and Jean Grey? Did Scott need to go through years of litigation to decide who was going to get the Blackbird jet or deal with alimony payments because of his psychic affair with Emma Frost? Nope, Magneto took care of that for him when he murdered Jean Grey. Now Scott is free to engage in all sorts of debauchery with the White Queen.

So relax heroes. If your marriage is becoming difficult, relax. You won't have to wait long before some villain comes along and kills your annoying spouse. Take your time, start a profile on Match.com and wait for the sweet freedom of superhero singles life. And if your spouse simply refuses to go away, just make a deal with the devil and make her go away. If Spider-Man can do it, so can you.

Cover to Amazing Spider-Man #545

24 comments:

Rivka said...

Fun and interesting take on the private life of the comic book super hero. Just one small nitpick; Magneto didn't kill Jean Grey. It was Kuan Yin Xorn, masquerading as Magneto. So your point stands regarding Scott Summers' affair of convenience with Emma Frost, but another villain facilitated Jean's departure, not Magneto.

Will said...

The other nice thing about comics, is that, after your wife dies, if you really miss her, there is probably a clone waiting in the wings secretly desiring to marry you. Yeah, the clone will eventually turn on you and try killing you, but it is normally around the time you want to end the marriage anyway.

ALGEYA said...

Arent most of our married heroes are like poor, cyclops depends on the xavier, angel for monetary support, peter parker got a great life because Mj modeling job

Mark said...

@Rivka, touche. You are absolutely correct. I'm not sure how i forgot one of the most convoluted retcons in modern history, but somehow i did.
@Will, indeed that is true. And your wife dying and turning into a clone with murderous intent is probably just a comic writer trying to create a metaphor for what it feels like to be married.
@Algeya, agreed, some heroes are poor but Reed Richards and Susan Storm were able to afford the rent on the Baxter building for years. They would also have to arrange custody over their insanely powerful, possibly world destroying offspring.

Brett Dunbar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brett-dunbar said...

There are a few divorced super heroes, off the top of my head I can think of two, Atom II (Ray Palmer) was divorced from Jean Loring and Looker (Emily Briggs) was divorced by her husband Gregg.

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